The Mindset of a Submissive Girl
I am going to try to make this into a set of simple rules you should strive to follow as a sissy and illustrate this idea with a few practical examples. This might be a more feminine way to communicate than you are used to. You are not going to be powerless because of this. The very opposite, in fact, since taking this approach will allow you to easier connect with others and forge alliances and friendships. Acting this way with “fearful” or “angry” men might be trickier but, honestly, we are seeing less and less of that in society by the day and, as a sissy, you are at the forefront of this revolution.
The following information will not apply in the same way if you are in a situation where you are allowed to take the submissive role in an established relationship. This is usually the case around a naturally dominant man or woman or someone who seems to be accepting of your position or, even better, someone who you can talk to and really understand you.
Do not ever punish other people
Let us consider a situation where your partner asks you to do the dishes and you say “Yes” and sigh to yourself. This is absolutely not acceptable. A sigh, or other similar gesture in context, will not physically hurt someone, but it is a form of social punishment.
Now you may be wondering how a good sissy would act if just happily doing the task is not an option because you do not wish to submit to your partner for some reason? And you may not punish them in any way either while keeping things civil. First, you should ask yourself why you did not offer to do this task in the first place. Is your partner asking you because you often shy away from helping out? Is your partner asking you because you are more capable?
Seek to understand the extent of someone’s sacrifice.
If you have a good reason for not wanting to do the dishes, then you need to communicate this in a kind and gentle way. Remember there are always two people present at minimum in any interaction.
For you, there will be times when something else is so important to your life that it warrants you saying no. A very useful communication model I use when I train submissives is to teach them the color code. And for sissies, out in real life, it should prove even more useful.
You might know that, during a training session, we commonly use a safeword consisting of red, yellow or green to communicate consent moving forward. I am not talking about training there; I am talking about using a color system for real life.
If I ask a partner (who is not a submissive), to do the dishes, that is usually no big deal. It is just the dishes after all. Sometimes, just as an example, my partner might have to go to a meeting and so, if they did the dishes now, they would need to reschedule. They would then honestly need to mention this “I have a meeting this morning.” If I have a client, then I might reply, “I have a client and need to go now.” Of course in this scenario, we would probably just leave it for later. Instead, let us assume we are in an apartment that we borrowed from a friend and leaving a mess is high on the list of things you do not want to do. Then we might use the color system. I might say, “Leaving the dishes for Ann is red to me, being late to a client is yellow.” and my partner might say, “Rescheduling my meeting is yellow.” Then perhaps we both stay and help do the dishes as fast as possible.
This allows you to communicate how big of a sacrifice something is. For example, “I want us to take the train instead of a plane,” is to someone with a phobia of flying a very important request. So they might say, “Taking the plane is red.”
Red means “I could do it, but it would be a big sacrifice in my life, to my health, reputation or wellbeing.” Yellow would mean “That is a stretch, I really prefer not to do this but I will if the cost to others is high.” Green means “That is a small stretch but it really is almost nothing to me.” For example, if I have a client, I would not stay and help with the dishes. It would be almost impossible for me unless the person I am with would have to an equally big sacrifice or worse.
All of the parties in a discussion need to know the system, but it is very simple and can allow two or more people to work out very complicated scenarios. Often the reason someone gets pissed after a seemingly “equal” distribution of tasks is that, for that person, the tasks they are assigned are a big pain or sacrifice. For the others, the tasks seem like they are not really anything. Even just sharing this information among a group makes it easier for others to contribute and for everyone to try to find solutions.
Realize that the issue might be because of you
If you do not have a good reason—perhaps you forgot, were a bit lazy, or preferred not to even though it would cause relatively more discomfort for your partner—then a good sissy would respond like this: “I am happy to do the dishes. I realize I haven’t helped out this week as much as I would have wanted.” (Be truthful and admit if you have not acted fairly and appropriate for the relationship.)
If you present your good reason and they respond as if this is not okay—either with strong, loud words or a stern look—then you need to put yourself in their shoes. Empathize by thinking about what is important to them right now and why that may be. Perhaps the issue is a lack of collaboration at home? Maybe the other person wants to relax after work? Perhaps they want the division of basic tasks to be fair, simple, and efficient? Perhaps they want to know they are loved and that they take priority over work or other aspects of your life? You should seek out that information in a kind and gentle way.
At first, they might be very upset if you pick the wrong assumption. But the beauty of human interaction is that, if in your heart you honestly want to figure out how someone else feels, it is very common for people to realize this is your true desire eventually. Perhaps they need peace and space—then give them that.
The other question is: when should you disregard the things you feel are important for what someone else feels is important? Well, we all do this all the time. The key here is to understand the extent of that importance. For one person, doing the dishes may be fun, for another, it may be a little frustrating, and for a third, it may just be a huge pain. For that third person, taking away that huge pain means you are giving more, even if you think the task is fun or almost trivial.
Opening your heart and putting yourself in someone else’s world is not easy. It can be complicated and take a long time. But what it does is build up trust and it shows that you really care.
This trust is invaluable later in a relationship. However, this is not something you can do silently in the other person’s absence. It is vital that they have the opportunity to actively recognize and see that you are trying to understand and anticipate their needs in a caring way.
Do not spread blame, guilt, or shame
Pointing a finger at someone and accusing them of something in order to hurt their status is social violence. Again, this is not within the proper social behavior of a sissy. Doing this reflects just as poorly on the accused as the accuser. This is akin to punishment, which we covered earlier.
So what do you do when someone is doing something bad and their actions need to be dealt with? How do you gather support for a good cause without using violence? Can you fight without violence of any kind?
Yes, you can. It is called the truth and it will connect with the next rule.
Avoid judgements and other forms of twisting the truth
This means you must not say things like “My girlfriend attacked me” or “He always screams when…” or “This is the best restaurant in town.” or “Never, I hate shrimp.”
The first one is hopefully somewhat self-explanatory. What does “attacked” mean? There are many meanings and this statement is a judgement against the girlfriend. The statement means nothing except the person saying it wants to evoke negative feelings towards the girlfriend. Again, just making a statement like this makes nothing useful happen in the world. If the girlfriend attacked with a series of words, then say “My girlfriend said this and that” or if the girlfriend made a physical attack, then say “My girlfriend hit me in the shoulder with her fist.” Aim to be truthful.
The second example is another more subtle judgment. What does “screaming” mean? When does screaming mean just being loud and when does it mean raising one’s voice to be heard? If the loudness in itself is not important then say, “He said this and that with a loud voice that I thought was inappropriate for the occasion.”
The third example is also very straightforward. You may think the restaurant is good, but do not treat your ideas and feelings as objective truth. “I really like that restaurant.” There is a big difference between saying “This is the best” and “I think this is the best” or even more accurately “Of the restaurants I have been to in this town so far, this is my favorite.” Of course, there are times when you can say best, all, always, never, worst, or any other form of extreme language because it suits the moment. For example saying “You are the best” as a thank you is fine, but resorting to over-empathizing adjectives in order to get your point across sounds immature and is bluntly spreading lies. Avoid this. Why not own that your emotions and thoughts are your own?
The fourth is about using foul language to make a point. Words like hate, burn and curse words, in general, are signs that you cannot communicate your emotions and what is behind them. So instead of saying “Fucking cab driver. What an asshole,” you take a deep breath and say “I am so angry…. He should have been more respectful instead of saying this and that.” No need to be perfect, but really try to express how you feel and why. And then try to learn to say that why without judgement. The reasons behind your emotions are really important. This is the point that, if you can learn to communicate it in a civil way in everyday life, will make you understood and respected. This is what girls tend to be a bit better at than men, but there are certainly many improvements to be made all across the spectrum.
This also crosses over to the next important mindset for you as a sissy.
Do not try to read minds by projecting
Your thoughts are not anyone else’s. Do not assume others are having the same thoughts as you.
This ties in with judgements. Instead of of saying “She was angry” you would say “I think she was angry.” Instead of “She wanted a sandwich,” say “It seemed like she wanted a sandwich.”
Projecting is the true opposite of empathy. Empathy involves trying to put yourself in someone else’s shoes with your acknowledgement that you are guessing because you cannot know for sure. Projecting is forcing your mindset into the minds of others and assuming they share your viewpoint.
For a dominant person or someone who accepts you as submissive, you must use phrases like “I think” or “I guess” when talking about the other person. You try to predict what the dominant person wants but do not assume you know what they want. You must be entirely willing to accept their punishment if your guess is incorrect.
Do not assume you are right
The world is not black and white. Everything is more complex than right and wrong. You must not subscribe to that kind of thinking. No one should.
This should be part of your general mindset. In a setting where you are submissive, of course, right and wrong exist in relation to what the dominant desires or thinks.
Acknowledge the wisdom of others
If someone corrects something you say, argues with you, or has a different point of view, acknowledge their perspective. “There might be something to what you are saying.” Even if what you think they are saying is stupid or strange, you should give it fair consideration instead of immediately becoming defensive or seek to make counter-arguments.
If the situation happens to allow for more exploration, then you could ask, “Would you be willing to explain that to me?”
Use a gentle voice and keep kindness in your eyes
Apologizing assumes you did something wrong. This is appropriate if that is the case in a submissive context. A dominant partner who asked you to wear pink when you wear red deserves an apology.
This sort of apology does not make sense if you are dealing with your equals. Among equals, you must instead be courteous and thankful. Be gentle and kind and acknowledge your mistakes.
“I am sorry I am late” implies you are wrong and is very blunt. Be courteous and thankful to those who have waited for you. Say “Thank you for being such a good friend and waiting for me. I really appreciate it. I will do my best not to let it happen again. Can I buy you dinner tonight to make up for being late?” Adjust your response to fit your context.
All this is more complex than any number of rules can explain, but it is your responsibility to act with as much decency and be as respectful to others as possible. And, as already mentioned many times, this is different in equal and submissive relationships. Most of the time, for example, you are equal to other sissies, even in a submissive context such as at the Academy.
There are also other forms of good manners that are more varied and cultural, such as saying please and thank you or making a curtsy in front of your domme. These are not as important as the general principle of treating all human beings with respect. Cultural mannerisms are icing on the cake. If the cake underneath that icing is terrible, the whole dish just comes off as something false or disingenuous.
Consider your tone and expression when you ask someone a question to deepen your understanding of them or to get an idea of what you think they mean or if you want to reiterate a request they have made.
Being generally kind, gentle and caring should be good for you and those around you. That being said, this does not mean you have to be submissive at all times. Doing so is not likely to serve you or your relationships well, especially if this has not been discussed with the other party.
Putting it into practice
Now, what should you do if your partner—let us say your girlfriend as an example—expressed a desire for you to be less of a sissy? It is quite possible that her request may go beyond what you want to give.
Her request might come from a need for sexual expression, intimacy and protection. Many girls love to be around alpha males; that environment can feel good, safe, and sexy. If you have been around an alpha male—regardless of your preferences—then maybe you have felt that good, secure alpha tension in the air? A girl seeking an alpha male does not mean she wants someone abusive or violent. Abusive men are not alpha men, but rather they are men who are full of fear and who think that the right way to act is to show a facade of strength. Real alpha men know they are strong and highly valued; they do not need to show it.
It is also possible that your relationship is merely for show because of social or cultural pressure. If that is the case, you both may need to seek satisfaction elsewhere.
A good bet for a positive resolution is to assume a role of equals as girls—as if the relationship were a girl-on-girl relationship. From there, work on building up that connection and trust. Get to each other deeper and deeper below the surface. Show your appreciation and dedication. Once you are both in a comfortable place, you can explore her role as the dominant girl, open up more about your submissive desires, or come to a mutual understanding for the happiness of both parties in the relationship.
You likely are not at the point where you can sit down and explain your sissification in detail. As you likely realize, doing that would be the dream scenario. Your mission now is to be the best you possible and to build that honest human-to-human mutual trust with your partner.
If you do not have a partner yet, then your mission is the same. You need to practice not falling into false and destructive behaviors and roles. Instead, you need to become more true and authentic. Practice the guidelines above every time you interact with others.
The second step to building that trust is to show more of your true self. And I'm not talking about panties here.
As a model for explaining how trust works, I suggest looking at people like icebergs. Above the surface is what you can see. That is the clothes you wear, the people you hang out with, how you look and how you behave. This is your image. There is nothing wrong with wanting sexy clothes or learning amazing dance moves or hanging out with a cool fun group of people. The issue is when a person lives as if this is all they are.
Above the surface is maybe 10% of who you are. Underneath the surface is your dreams, your desires, what you think and believe, your emotions, hopes, fears, worries, past struggles and your present. It includes your emotional wounds and what you find meaningful and important. Your kinky thoughts and wishes. That is 90% of who you are. And consider for a moment: what do you most value about someone you care deeply about? Is it what is above the surface or below?
This does not mean there is anything wrong with that surface image or working to change it, but we all know there is more underneath.
And this is how you should see others. You, at first, see the surface. This is the reason you do not judge that 10%. Not because someone told you so but because you know the truth in yourself that 90% of you is hidden underneath the surface.
Any sissy or slave is, as a human being, just as important to this world as any other human being. Everyone involved at the Academy—sissy, alpha male, girlfriend and mistress alike— needs to hold this belief if they want to stay. More and more people in the world understand this to be the case as well. As a sissy, you need to embrace this way of seeing yourself and others. This is just an introduction, and we will delve deeper into this idea in the future.
In a relationship, you occasionally get to lower the waterline a bit. You get to show more of who you are. And if your partner does the same, then you can lower yours a bit more.
If you go up to a stranger and tell them your most painful moments or your most precious dreams, they will not be able to accept or integrate them. Even in a relationship, letting everything out like that is not seen as vulnerable, it is often considered attention-seeking, distancing behavior. Someone who does this is hard to empathize with. Doing this slowly, however, and mutually sharing, makes it possible to lower the waterline and expose more of yourself while staying safe and comfortable.
This is why, even if you have a girlfriend you know very well, you should not go and just blurt out your kinks with no regard for the consequences. You take steps forward by building trust. This is also something you can do more or less every day with anyone you meet.
This ideas in this lecture are important because, all too often, human beings experience suffering due to a failure to fully understand these concepts. Women and sissies tend to be better at this. There is also a sort of innate power to authentic vulnerability. Sissydom at its best is an expression of complete altruism, vulnerability and kindness.
The thing is, it is not easy to build trust. It takes time and persistence. It takes a deep willingness to listen and understand.
True submission can work only when all parties start as equals. It is at this point of equality that both parties agree to enter a relationship where there is a shift in power. Since this is willingly given, which is a defining characteristic of being submissive, there is neither violence nor abuse.
So what happens if a sissy is convinced by her girlfriend to try on a new sissy device and the sissy agrees willingly and in full understanding of what that entails but then later decides to change her mind? How do we deal with that?
If no contract is written and no oral agreement was spoken and no blatant rules are at work, then we must adhere to the original actions. This is one of the reasons the Academy’s training focuses so heavily on techniques related to pleasure and submission. In a case such as this, the sissy has, in her right mind, willingly signed away the consent of her future self. It is consensual when the sissy is in her right mind. Later influences by outside forces that seek to harm the sissy’s progress and dedication must be ignored. The sissy’s altered mindset alone does not invalidate her original chastity device consent. As part of being truthful and honest, the sissy needs to acknowledge that she willingly submitted her future self. If circumstances change, there is pain, risk for damage or reputation, or the partner performs an inappropriate or unwanted action, then the sissy is well within her rights to revoke her consent to wear the device but often there is an emergency system for this and special procedures that then take place.